This is a post from my series The Gospel of Enough, based on a theatre performance by George Fox University players. These stories happened in the past, but are written in first person so you can get a sense of my thoughts and feelings during each story as I worked through big emotions to get to where I am now. I hope you enjoy this journey with me.
“Honey, I think you should really rethink going on this trip.”
My mother’s words crash around me, louder than they sound to the normal human ear. But to me, they cut through my skin and tear at my heart.
No. This wasn’t supposed to happen like this.
I had felt called on this trip. To serve the Romanians. I had worked for four months to raise money for this trip. I had almost singlehandedly put on a fund-raising banquet for my team, with absolutely no help from them! There is NO WAY I AM NOT GOING ON THIS TRIP. I’ve worked too hard to back out. I deserve this don’t I??
My dad gets onto the phone. He reminds me that often plans don’t work out like we think they should.
Yeah…I’m aware of that, thanks. I spent a year of re-working plans. But this?? This trip that I worked for hard for, the trip that I tried to push harder into because all this pain and hardship and burden MUST be God’s plan to strengthen me right?? Because that’s how He will receive glory in this hell-ish pre-trip period that I’m experiencing.
This isn’t fair. By rights, I should be the only one going on that trip.I’ve worked for it. I’ve carried numerous fundraisers, I’ve tried to get people involved, I’ve tried to learn and be there and open myself up to them.
I start to cry. I cry and I rage and my eyes turn beat red and I bore a hole in the floor with my pacing back and forth and I shout to my dad on the phone, “Why did He call me to this? He SAYS He will carriy things to the end! Why is this the end?? I didn’t sign up for this! I am supposed to go on that trip! He SAID SO. I worked so hard!”
Quietly, my heart asks in utter agony…Why can’t I go? What did I do wrong? I thought I was doing everything right.
Abba…this is not fair. How is this showing your glory? Aren’t I supposed to be heading to Romania in a month to shower love on adorable children with compromised home-lives? Aren’t I supposed to be changed myself by a different culture and different people and different way of doing things? Isn’t that what you had planned for me?
I kick my bed and I punch my pillow and I sob and I yell into the phone and my dad just listens. Who is this God? I ask, searching for an answer. The God I know does not call you to something only to rip it out from under you. He doesn’t prepare you and challenge you and urge you on, only to say “Psych!” as if it was all some cosmic joke to make one semester of your sophomore year the most hell-ish and busy and horrible semester on record.
This is not the God I know.
The God I know leads and I follow. I go where He tells me and I follow His plan. If I don’t go where He leads than I’m obviously not spiritually sound right?? I can’t be close to God if I’m not completely following His plan to a “T”.
Because I followed the so-called the plan! I did everything He asked of me! I did things that weren’t asked of me because no one else would! God who are you??? Why aren’t you doing what you’ve always done?? Aren’t you supposed to be faithful??
Why aren’t you being faithful??