In case you hadn’t noticed, this blog has been lacking in posts for quite some time. And while I tell myself it’s because the blog isn’t quite where I want it, and that certain things need to change before I can realistically commit to blogging again, I know that the reason there hasn’t been any posts recently is not because I don’t like the design or I’m wishing I could just change the whole thing already. It’s for a different reason entirely. And I think it’s about time I explain. I know this post is fairly long, but please, bear with me.
There are a lot of things going on. There always is, right? But in the past three months, the most incredible thing that probably will ever happen to me, happened. And I’m not talking about graduation or moving out or getting my first post-grad job.
What happened was that I fell in love.
But people don’t normally talk about their dating lives on blogs right? The only time you read anything about someone’s dating life is when that girl that you only sort of know on Facebook is gushing about how OMG SHE JUST LUVS HER BOYFRIEND SOOOO MUCH. Or it’s the wife of ten years spilling the beans on how she and her husband have a fantastic sex life whilst balancing seven kids, homeschooling and national book tours. And I can’t really put myself in either of those categories. Unless I have seven kids that I don’t know about.
But this is where the most intense bout of writer’s block I’ve ever experienced is coming from. The writer’s block is coming from not writing about one of the most important things that’s happened to me and limiting myself to writing about the less-than-spectacular things in my life. Not that graduating or moving or trips to Disneyland or what I’m reading isn’t great stuff. I just need a balance between the trivial and the weighty.
So I have resolved to write. Because this love story is no ordinary love story. And, yes, I know everyone says that about their love story. But I think in this case, I might be right.
I am dating my best friend and the love of my life. He is ridiculously smart, incredibly generous and caring, and has this ability to see the beauty and purity in everything. He strives to see the world through God’s eyes and I’ve never met someone who so clearly loves as God loves. I’ve never been so well loved, respected or cared for. He treats me as if my opinion is the most important thing to him (because it is), and values my happiness over his own. He knows my strengths and weaknesses and respects me for them. I know with absolute certainty that he is the One. There is no one else for me.
But, like any good love story, there is a glitch. At least, some people would call it a glitch. I just call it hilarious circumstance. Or heartbreaking annoyance. Whichever you prefer.
This incredible guy loves Jesus so much. He loves Jesus so much, that he feels called to be a Catholic priest. In case you aren’t aware, Catholic priests don’t get married. Or date. Or have children. Zero, zilch, nada. So that puts me firmly out of the picture.
And before you start saying, “Oh why can’t he just be a Protestant pastor?” (Because he’s Catholic and no, he is not converting. He already converted to Catholicism from Protestantism and there is no going back) or “Maybe the Pope will change his mind” (just think about that for a minute and compare the duties between a protestant pastor and a Catholic priest…they are not the same) or “I hope this all turns out right in the end” (is the “right” end a happy ever after?), let me interject here and say this:
I know this is not normal. I know this is not easy. Trust me, I’m living it. There are no knights in shining armor here or white horses or riding off into the sunset of marital bliss. We are just two battle-torn Jesus-lovers who are trying to do what He is calling us to. And it’s messy, and dirty and very often, there are black horses with red eyes careening despair straight to us, only to find ourselves pulled out of the fray just in time by the God we are trying so hard to understand.
Because we don’t know why we are dating now. Everything in our culture, the typical Christian culture says that you should only date if you know you’re going to marry them. I know exactly who I’m going to marry. Whether or not I get to marry him is still up in the air.
And it is because of all this, that I have been unable to write. Or rather, I haven’t known where to start.
If you’ve followed this blog for any length of time (thanks Mom!) you’ll know that many of my blog posts are reflections on what is happening in my life at the time, like my trip to Bangladesh, my attempt at applying to USC to get my Master’s in Theatre, my trip to San Fran with my school newspaper and my thoughts on graduating. But here is something that is hard to write about. Or at least, has several taboos around it.
Because people don’t really publicize their dating lives. They don’t really write about their very real, very deep struggles. And maybe I’m breaking every taboo and rule in the book by writing this out and publishing this online for EVERYONE and their mother and cousin and friend’s ex’s sister’s fiance to read. But I can’t not write about it anymore.
A friend of mine suggested that I write a different blog about Stephen and I. A private blog that I don’t publicize or share. And I seriously considered it. But being completely honest and sharing my story on the blog that is already very important to me, makes more sense.
So now that that is off my chest and into the world, here’s to hoping that I can be honest with you all again. I shared my fear and confusion with you when I was in Bangladesh. I shared my despair and disappointment when I didn’t make it to my USC audition. And now I want to share my uncertainty with you. Because this is by far the most complicated, heart-wrenching, thrilling, wonderful and uncertain thing I have ever experienced. And I no longer want to experience it just by myself. I want to share it with you.